Not in my name….

Sun Reporter: So, thanks for giving us this exclusive interview Jesus…..

Jesus: This interview is exclusive to you, the others I give will be exclusive to the Mail, the Times, the Mirror….

Sun R: Yeah well, still, it is good of you especially at this time of year….

Jesus: This time?

Sun R: I mean like Christmas, I guess  it’s your busy time?

Jesus: You may be mixing me up with Santa Claus……image

Sun R: Ha-ha, very good, but seriously, it’s been suggested you might not approve of Christmas all that much, like it’s so materialistic now and not at all spiritual…

Jesus: No, no, I never was what people call spiritual, I’m Jewish after all, we’re pretty down to earth. I was more concerned with people’s bodies and relationships than with their spirits…

Sun R: Right, that’s brilliant, Jesus, you mean you’re not against tinsel and turkey…

Jesus: As long as you’re not stuffing yourself while your neighbour has to use what she could get from the food bank….Being materialistic means we know we all need food because our bodies are material. We shouldn’t let anything spiritual persuade us that others can live on air or prayer.

Sun R: “…Air or prayer…” You could write headlines, Jesus. So if it’s not the materialism, is there something else you dislike about Christmas?

Jesus: The thing I most dislike about it, is it’s all about me.

Sun R: But ministers and priests are always telling us it is all about you, that we should put Christ back into Christmas…

Jesus: But most of my life was spent attending to others, as a carpenter and as a preacher. I tried to get people to love God and their neighbour and not to get caught up in a lot of religious twaddle. I never pointed to myself, because that kind of thing is always a bad example. So, all this baby Jesus stuff gets up my nose. Apart from anything else it’s as if I never grew up. Now if  so-called Christmas was about God and our  neighbour, that would please me….

SunR: But surely you don’t want to deprive people of the manger and the shepherds and the wise men and the star and all that magic of Christmas…

Jesus: Yes, I’m afraid I do….

Sun R: But listen Jesus, excuse me trying to teach you, but those things are your bigggest selling point, they’re massive still after all this time!

Jesus: Listen, I was born in my parent’s house in Nazareth, my mum wasn’t a virgin, there were no wise men, no strange stars, no angels, not even any shepherds….

Sun R: But the Bible says…

Jesus. There are four gospels and two of them say nothing about my birth at all. And the other two contradict each other. Angels and wandering stars are fine as long as we don’t confuse them with the facts.

Sun R: “Mum not a virgin”!! Wow! This is hot stuff Jesus. The Pope isn’t gonna like this!  Anything else?

Jesus: Well there’s the little matter of the date.

SunR: What’re you saying Jesus,  are you talking about December 25?!

Jesus: As well as the 7th of January, which my orthodox friends have chosen. Of course I can see it’s a good idea to have something to celebrate in the middle of winter, but that only applies to the northern hemisphere…

Sun R: Wait a minute, Jesus, you’re saying you weren’t born on 25th December? This is some scoop, Jesus, front-page sensation!

Jesus: I was actually born on 20th September, so I guess I might have been conceived on Christmas Day ..

Sun R: “Conceived on Christmas Day “! What a great news line, it’s totally immaculate!

Jesus: Please, don’t use that word……

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1 Comment

  1. Fabulous, one of your best Jesus interviews so far!! But I will correct one thing: All Orthodox celebrate Christmas on Dec. 25th – yeah, sorry to disappoint the Lord. The reason why many Orthodox celebrate Christmas on Jan. 7th is because their churches use the Julian Calendar, which is 13 days behind the Gregorian Calendar that you and I use. So, Dec. 25th on the Julian Calendar falls on Jan. 7th in the Gregorian Calendar.

    Like

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