THE LAST TRUMPET

Scene: outside and inside Trumpet Foundation HQ

Security: Hey, buddy, you can’t just walk in waving that thing…

Old Man: What are you objecting to?

Security: That sharp blade over your shoulder, bit like a scythe in the old days…

Old Man: It’s harmless except to those it’s meant for.

Security: Sure, sure just stop right where you are. This is a gun and I can use it.

Old Man: I think you’ll find it’s jammed..

Security (pulling trigger) yeah,it’s jammed, (switches on his phone, shouting) Security! Red Alert! Entrance hall! Man with scythe approaching! No I’m not joking, I’ve not been drinking. Get there and see. No, I tried to follow but somehow I can’t move from this spot….

At the Welcome Desk

Old Man: Good morning Miss, I have an appointment with Mr. Donald Trumpet.

Assistant: And your name Sir?

Old Man: Time, eh, Mr Time.

Assistant: Time, no I don’t see your name here, Sir.Perhaps you’ve got the wrong day?

Old Man: No I’ve never been known to get the wrong day…

Assistant: And you’d have to leave that curved blade with security… no, your name isn’t on Mr Trumpet’s list at all.

Old Man: When I said an appointment, I didn’t mean that Mr Trumpet knew I was coming. Just that I’d been told to see him.

Assistant: I’m sorry Sir, I’ve pressed the button for Security…..ah, here they are now…

Security 1: You! Drop that weapon!

Security 2: Drop that weapon and get down on the floor!

Security 1: Now, or we’ll fire!

Old man: I think you’ll find you can’t stop me…(he walks to the elevator) Floor 23, Suite 1, I believe I’ll find him there.

(vanishes in elevator)

Floor 23 at the elevators. Old man exits.

D. Trumpet: Now who the hell d’you think you are, mister? Security just rang through about you. You got a goddam nerve busting in here, assaulting my security staff, terrorising my assistant, carrying that weapon, I bet you’re a goddam democrat or a Mexican rapist. In any case, just turn round, get back in that elevator, go back the way you came and git your ass outa here or I’ll blow you to bits with this blaster I borrowed from my dentist!*

Old Man: The weapon is useless. You can test it by pulling the trigger, see, as I said, useless.

D. Trumpet: Who are you, old man? Are you Isil, or Al Quaeda, or the People Against Golf-Courses or what?

Old Man: I think maybe you’re beginning to recognise me. Why don’t we go into your office where there’s more privacy?

D. Trumpet: Well, seeing you got this far, why not the office?

Trump’s Office

Old man: I don’t want to drag this out. I’m here to tell you that this very night your soul is required of you.

D. Trumpet: Come on buddy, I’m not getting you. Tell me in plain English.

Old man: Tonight you’re going to die, perish, snuff it, peg out, kick the bucket, shuffle off your mortal coil, hand in your dinner pail, croak.

D. Trumpet: Tonight! No more warning than a few measly hours!

Old man: Yes.

D. Trumpet: But I’m feeling fine, full of life, having fun being a candidate for the Presidency. You sure?

Old man: We never make mistakes. He’ll come for you about midnight.

D. Trumpet: Who? Who d ‘ye mean? Who’s gonna come for me?

Old man: The One you belong to, your master, Mr Horns ‘n Tail, His Satanic Majesty. You’re going to his place; they say it’s not much fun.

D Trumpet: But I don’t belong to Satan!  I’m a Presbyterian, I’m a Christian! I belong to Jesus who’s gonna take me home.

Old man: Ah the Lord Jesus! He won’t let anyone steal his people, so if you really belong to him, you should expect to see him before midnight. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on my way. (he leaves)

D. Trumpet: (on phone) Cancel all my appointments. Find my wife. Get hold of my minister. Yes, you heard right, my minister. Who’s my minister? How the hell am I supposed to know. Find him, get him here! And that Giovanni Crapaldi we used to do business with, yes, yes, the Mafia man, get him here too in case he has a line with the Pope. OK? Move!

9pm

D. Trumpet: All useless! My wife is sad. My minister prayed. Giovanni said he could bribe the last Pope but not this one. All my colleagues think I’ve flipped. And as for Jesus, just when you need him, he’s not around…

Jesus: Hello…?

D Trumpet: Who’s there? Come in. Let me see you. Aw, God help me, it’s a goddam Mexican. What you doing here, Jose? You claiming asylum? Eh? Good idea, that’s what I want to do, claim asylum before I get fried.

Jesus: You wanted to see me, I’m Jesus.

D. Trumpet: Don’t mess me around, buddy, I know my Bible. Jesus is a Jew not a Spic. So go bother someone else.

Jesus: Donald, I’ve come for you. Just follow me….

D Trumpet: You got some gall, bud, to come in here and impersonate the Lord Jesus! Get out and don’t come back!

Jesus: Very well.

Later

D Trumpet: Oh, there’s a cold wind blowing out of the night and someone with very heavy steps is climbing upwards through the building. Ah he’s getting nearer. No, Go away, leave me alone, aaaarrrrrgggggghhh!

Mrs Trumpet: Donald, Donald, you were screaming in your sleep! It’s all right, you’re at home in your bed. What’s wrong?

D Trumpet: Nothing, nothing, hon, just a crazy dream….

  • This is an obscure joke about dentists and lions and guns

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