A SPOTTERS GUIDE TO THE UNDEAD 4

THE CORPSE AWAKENS

When even a Tory chancellor had to admit that Universal Credit was as much use to a poor person as a chocolate fireguard, the writing was on the wall, or rather on the tombstone, for Iain Duncan Smith, the inventor of UC. They didn’t even need to bump him off as he’d been brain dead for sometime, only to tidy him him quickly to his place of honoured repose.

Only months later, the news media carry a report that IDS has been pressing the PM for a speedy relaxation of the current lockdown. Subterranean channels have whispered to IDS that by and large only the poor are dying from this virus, indeed that a gratifying number of them are black or brown, and that therefore the onward march of capitalism could be quickly resumed.

He has been consulting with colleagues, we are told. Imagine this meeting, dear reader! IDS, still looking a bit CRUMBLY from his sojourn underground, welcomes friends who are VERY GREY INDEED, many of them HELD TOGETHER ONLY BY THEIR CLOTHES, all exuding A WHIFF OF THE MAUSOLEUM. Quickly they agree on a guiding principle: that the interests of CAPITAL and its OWNERS are more important than the LIVES OF HUMAN BEINGS. The freedom of the individual (to become rich at the expense of others) is at stake and all barriers to fruitful commerce should be removed immediately! Of course Covid-19 will still be active. But the undead see it as a friendly scourge. If they, the UNDEAD, could find a way of paying the virus to concentrate even more on what is left of the NHS, they would do so.

Sir Richard Branson

The mouldy killers are cheered when they are joined by SIR RICHARD BRANSON, whose HAIRSTYLE has proclaimed his membership of the UNDEAD for many years, and who has proven his commitment to the cause by polluting the earth with his aeroplanes. He has shown admirable impertinence by demanding subsidy from the government to CARRY ON BOILING THE PLANET.

The more thoughtful of the POSTHUMOUS POSERS speak of how the pandemic has revealed some facts about society that their class of person would prefer to keep hidden. People are not ALL IN IT TOGETHER, except in the sense that some are IN CLOVER while others are IN THE SHIT. This truth has been sadly evident as it becomes clear that millions of people were being paid WASHERS to do very unpleasant work, leaving them without savings to carry them through the lockdown. Others have continued to work in Stalinesque warehouses on shifts of up to 12 hours fully monitored, with their urine rerouted through their ears for greater ease of disposal. Much more of this kind of exposure and the cause of capital might be gubbed. They all agree that all the PRIVILEGES OF A FREE BORN ENGLISHMAN SHOULD BE RESTORED FORTHWITH, and the lockdown ended.

Iain Duncan Smith

But who amongst them will represent this platform in public? UNDEAD activists like BORIS and MATT, with their strange jerky movements are accepted by the public, but most of IDS’s friends might leave BITS OF THEMSELVES LYING AROUND. With his customary courage and utter lack of self-awareness IDS agrees once more to enter the public arena at this critical moment. He forgets that when he was investigating poverty in Glasgow Easterhouse, the local criminals asked for him to be removed as a bad advert for community life.

I only hope that readers of this blog communicate the truth about those advocating a speedy return to normality, lest any citizen remain unaware that for them normality means a close ACQUAINTANCE WITH WORMS and CARELESSNESS WITH PERSONAL HYGIENE.

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