DIARY OF A BREXITEER (cont)

Europe, 20 June 2016 Brexit. Markus Grolik/Cartoon Movement/Hollandse




Women who think they can tell you what to do! Posh women who never did any hard work in their lives supporting the EU while ordinary workers are unemployed! Now don’t think I’m against equality. There’s things women are good at, like having babies and making the supper. It’s just they should stick to these things and being nurses of course, and no’ get mixed up in politics. I mean, are we really any better by having women MP’s? Yes, I voted Tory, and that meant Theresa May, but you have to suffer for your political convictions and anyway I thought Boris would take over, a proper bloke you can imagine having a beer with. Be honest now, can you imagine having a beer wi’ Theresa? Be like having a night out wi’ Anna Soubry! Yeah, Soubry, that’s the woman who was getting up my nose….

She’s one of these educated women who think they know it all. Elected a Tory but a traitor to the party and the nation. Because she’s a REMOANER! Always going on about it. And that’s where my old pal Alisdair comes in. I hadn’t seen him since he got arrested for making “obscene gestures with a flute” at this year’s Orange Walk in Glasgow. Apparently his defence that the flute sustained no damage did not impress the Sheriff and he had tae sweep the street outside the Catholic Chapel for a whole week. Anyway he phones and tells me he’s organising a protest outside parliament and would I like tae join it. Thinking of the expense I was initially reluctant, but when he mentioned the Soubry as a target, I changed my mind rapido. That’s how I came to be part of a democratic protest by loyal working men of BRITAIN against the traitor scum who want to keep us in Europe.

So yeah, Soubry, I mean, what sort of name is that? Scots? English? Welsh? Northern Irish? I don’t think so. FRENCH or BELGIAN I’d say. So no wonder she wants to stick with her people in Europe. Nothing wrong with that, but then why doesn’t she mince off back home and leave us in peace?

So there I am in London – the missus said with a tear in her eye she would sacrifice her happiness for a couple of days for the sake of the NATION – where today we stood up for the cause with courage in the face of a deadly bunch of female MP’s. Now I’m not confident about shouting. My voice tends to sound funny like a peacock being strangled, but Alisdair, who’s a huge portly guy, really tasty, and his mates, they don’t hesitate when they see the whites of the enemy’s eyes, meaning the Soubry, they’re straight in with NAZI SCUM and TRAITOR COW along with appropriate fist pumping and facial distortion. YES, you could see the Soubry catch that lot, smile nervously and try to ignore it. And that’s when I found my voice and joined in the patriotic chant, only to find myself face to face with a TV camera. Boosted by my heroic comrades I ignored it and continued shouting until the Soubry retreated into Parliament with Police protection.

Later as we toasted our success in the pub with a few bevvies, the TV news came on and there’s a fat, red-faced, man with his belly sticking out his shirt, shouting abuse at a small middle aged woman. Suddenly the whole pub seemed to be looking at me. Look, Alisdair says, its yersel’ bigman, standing up tae oppression and taking back control! All the other boys were slapping my back and congratulating me, but I wasnae so sure, because if the Polis decides there’s a crime, whose face is in the video? But much more important, IF THE MISSUS HAS WATCHED THE NEWS, WHO’LL PROTECT ME WHEN I GET HAME?

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