TIMELINE FOR THE RECENT DISCOVERY OF LIFE ON MARS….
NASA LEAK : A “senior source” at NASA reveals on WhatsAp that its miniaturised MarsDog had discovered life on the planet in the form of “something like a grasshopper”
PRESIDENTIAL TWEET: Sure is a great moment for American science. But don’t worry buddies, if the grasshopper turns out to be a bad hombre, your President is ready to nuke….
WORLD MEDIA: Images from Marsdog, released by NASA, show something like an insect whose movements are “not quite right”, “jerky”, “mechanical” raising the suspicion on some quarters that it is a drone. Probably an American drone according to The Russian Space Agency, designed to fool the world that NASA has triumphed; a Russian drone according to the White House designed to spy on American skills.
NASA PRESS RELEASE
Sophisticated computer imaging and spectroscopic analysis reveals that the object/ creature is made of organo-silicates. Some molecules of such substances have been developed on earth, but nothing of this complexity. Life forms based wholly or partially on silicon have been the stuff of science fiction for a long time. On the other hand it could be the technology of a civilisation more advanced than ours. Marsdog cameras have shown that the thing has avoided/ evaded capture by its scoops and grabs.
UK NEWSPAPER THE SUN
WORLD WELCOMES SANDY!! The alien is made of silicon and silicon is sand, so it’s obvious what it’s name should be. We hope he’s happy, but wait a minute, IS HE ALONE OR DOES HE HAVE A PARTNER?? Called ALEC SAND RA??!!
AND IF SO, HOW DO THEY DO IT??!!! UP-SAND DOWNS OR IN-SAND OUTS.????
ONLY IN THE SUN- TOMORROW
EXCRETA PROVE ALIEN IS AN ANIMAL
Marsdog’s eye cameras have caught the Mars creature in the act of excreting, leaving a small, but perfectly formed cube a bit like concrete behind it. The most natural explanation is that the creature is what it looks like, an extraterrestrial grasshopper, which inhabits the silicon wastelands of Mars. This discovery suggests that a bigger version of the beast, if well-fed, could lay a decent driveway for you without really trying….
POPE SAYS SANDY CREATED BY GOD
As there is no mention of Mars in the Bible, could Sandy be the creation of a different God? The Pope along with the Chief Rabbi and the Ayatollah Khamenei denounced the idea of another God asserting that there is no other God except The Trinity, and …eh…Jehovah and um…last but not least, Allah. Although the planets are not named in the Bible or the Quran, believers have always assumed that their God created them, and would therefore logically be responsible for any life found on them.
The Pagan Association of The Americas has already claimed that of course, Mars, the God of War, is the creator of life on his planet. A representative of Thomas The Tank Engine Worshippers has insisted that the Fat Controller is the creator of Sandy as well as of Tank Engines and Yogi Bear.
Almost all the ecologists on earth are united in arguing that Sandy (and his kind) cannot be the only form of life on Mars. If the grasshopper feeds, he probably eats other forms of life; and of course, unless he is the top predator, he may in turn be eaten by some kind of Martian bird. So far however, Marsdog has not identified any. This being the 12th of July The Orange Lodge of Belfast has identified Sandy as a good proddy insect and supporter of Glasgow Rangers Football Club, who unlike earthly grasshoppers is uncontaminated with the colour green. How do they know all this? Well, he’s a Sandy isn’t he, not a Tim, easy. Of course it would have been better if he as called Billy but you can’t aways get what you want. Posssibly the things he eats are Tims.
DAY OF THE GRASSHOPPER
Today at noon New York time all those millions tuned into The Marsdog webcam hear Sandy speaking to them. Afterwards they find that the audio recording of Sandy’s speech is silent. Yet all are agreed they heard him say something like this:
“Dear Earthlings, you think of me as Sandy Grasshopper, but I want to tell you the truth, that none of us Martians is an “I” because we are connected each one to each one, sharing all our thoughts and actions, so that “We” can learn very rapidly indeed. Our intellect is not based on a central brain but upon dispersed understandings linked together so that no experience is wasted. We are intelligence; we are knowledge. At this moment I can share the perceptions of a sister on the other side of this planet, along with commentary from numerous brothers and sisters, near and far.
We have been aware of you for some time, indeed for long before you started leaving your superannuated technology on the surface of our home. We bear you no ill will although we do not share your carelessness, arrogance and violence; but we do not think you have learned enough wisdom to welcome your presence here.
We are averse to all forms of violence, but we are not without means of protection. Watch, please!
(At this point the viewers saw Marsdog ascending rapidly into the Martian sky, where it waved its antennae frantically, before gracefully descending to the surface.There were no noises or signs of power)
If you try to return here before you have abandoned your destructiveness, you can be sure your plans will not succeed. We wish you well. Goodbye.”
Journalists and media sources went into prolonged communication orgasm at this event, many of them trying to describe its meaning, none better than the Scottish Daily Record -famous for its frankness-
COSMIC KICK IN THE NUTS FOR NASA
Presidential Tweet: These goddam alien insects have got it comin to them. I am not afraid of a bunch of talkin cicadas. Tomorrow I will order a response with our nuclear missiles to this provocation. We shoulda known that a Red Planet would not be fit for Americans.
Statement by USA Head of Armed Forces:
Yesterday the armed forces of the USA forcibly removed the President from office to protect the nation and indeed the world from his childish and suicidal tantrums. God bless America!
Statement from the Vatican
His holiness Francisco has emerged from a day of prayer and meditation with this call to repentance:
Seeing that the unspoken basis of our faith has been the position of human beings as the pinnacle of God’s creation, a conviction determining alike our worship, morality and ecclesiastical order; and seeing that this basis is now proven to be an illusion, by the existence of an advanced civilisation on Mars, we call for a week of prayer and repentance throughout the world church, followed by a new ecumenical council in Rome to decide our future, if we have one. Anyone who doubts the seriousness of this crisis may reflect that I have recently defended the sacrament of Marriage as being designed only for the union of a man and woman. But what about the union of two Martian organo- silicate creatures with each other? Or more profoundly, can Jesus offer salvation to Martians, or is an ORGANO SILICATE SAVIOUR required for that purpose? We have a lot of thinking to do.
Sources report widespread panic and suicides amongst fundmentalists of all religions together with revolutions in numerous countries where undemocratic regimes have been swept away by millions of protestors carrying flags with the slogan:
GIVE US THE GRASSHOPPERS
although there is no evidence that the mysterious Martians would be prepared to govern the earth.
An obscure but very intelligent media agency, advertising itself as “ xtremejesus.co from Dundee to the world,” has claimed responsibility for hacking NASA and presenting the whole Martain saga, as a VIDEO PARABLE FOR OUR TIMES. What is left of UK security services are attempting to find and bring this joker to justice.
Scottish Daily Record headline: