Jesus: Santa Claus! This is a nice surprise, but aren’t you a bit early? It’s only 15th December, but if you want to give me an early Christmas, that’s cool with me….
SC: Well, no sorry Jesus it’s a bit more serious than that, and I’m not on my own today…….
Jesus: Well, yes, hello Rudolph, and, eh, good morning elves, and yes, peace to you, Christmas Snowman, and …and…
SC: This is Theresa McConnachie, one of my most faithful mums….
Jesus: You’re very welcome Theresa, come in and have a seat. Cups of tea all round?
SC: No thanks, I think we need to get down to business….
Jesus: The floor is yours, big man…
SC: Well the fact is, we’re going on strike!
Jesus: You mean, no special parcels, no reindeer, no Santa visits, no snowmen!?
SC: That’s it in a nutshell.
Jesus: So what’s brought about this decision?
Elves: We used to cope alright with the demand. Kids would ask for one item or maybe two from Santa. But now the kids have got so greedy that we get lists twelve or even twenty items long,best of stuff too, that it’s simply impossible to get it all together…
Rudolph: And even if they could get it together, my team just can’t cope with the delivery schedule. I mean, I try to keep the lads fit, on the road and in the gym, with special skill training on the roof tops and that, know what I mean? And these are good willing boys, they’ll try to get a result, but the fact is they’re not coping. I’ve got a terrible injury list already and there’s no way we’ll manage Christmas Eve..
Snowman: My problem’s more fundamental. Not only are most kids not interested in snowmen any more, but also the snow’s not there. Dreaming of a white Christmas, my sweet ass! It’s years since we’d a real fall of snow at Christmas, so nobody even thinks now of keeping that special carrot for my nose. It’s global warming of course, but nobody really wants to know. But if you’re built like me, well, there’s a nasty dripping noise when I walk…
SC: Most of all, there’s the sense of entitlement. Just last week I was I a big store and this porky kid was demanding a new x-box thingy and I tried suggesting something less expensive, and he just kicked me, and said,’Just do what you’re told, fatso!’ so I kicked him back when nobody was looking, and he was so astonished he went all quiet, but someone had filmed it on a phone and so I was asked to leave under health and safety rules…
Jesus: Dear, dear, what a catalogue of troubles! But you’ve said nothing, Theresa?
Theresa: I’m on my own with two kids, so it’s always been hard at Christmas. I buy things early when I see them cheap, and try to teach my kids to be reasonable, but this year I just know it won’t work. They won’t get what they want to keep up with their pals and I’ll have borrowed money from the loan shark at terrible interest…so if I had my way, I’d cancel Christmas! It’s become a monster!
Jesus: I hear all your troubles and I sympathise especially with Theresa…..but I’ve one question: why have you come to me?
SC: Well you’re the big boss of Christmas, it’s your show like, so if we’ve got an employer it must be you. I mean if we go on strike you’ll be the most affected…
Rudolph: I said it was only fair to tell you so that perhaps you could change things for us….
Jesus: I see. The first thing you have to learn is that I’m not your employer. If you want to see your real employer I can call him for you.
Snowman: Yes, go on, why not?
Jesus: MAMMON COME HERE!
( A giant appears dripping with all manner of consumer goods, riding in a Rolls Royce, wrapped in tinsel and fairy lights, playing White Christmas, and giving away signed photos of Donald Trump)
Mammon: Ho, Ho, Ho, what’s all this about then?
SC: We’re completely fed up with your Christmas and we’re going on strike until we get improvements.
Theresa: Yeah, no more exploitation for us!
Mammon: You are truly pathetic, you little people! Grow up. Christmas like everything else is for money. Of course most of that comes to me and my fellow entrepreneurs, because we deserve it. Don’t imagine you can change the system, you get what you deserve. I have true worshippers all over the world, in every board room of every enterprise, and in every government. So don’t think a strike will cut the mustard. I’ll just sack you and make sure you never get a job again, anywhere. Now, get back to work!
SC: When you put it like that I don’t suppose we have much choice….
Elves: I guess he’s got us beat, boss….
Theresa: But you can’t bully me, I’m not working, I owe you nothing….
Mammon: I think you’ll find that I can stop your credit altogether. Then where’ ll you kids get presents? Think of it. The only kids in the school that got no pressies. How do you think they’ll feel?
Jesus: As far as Christmas is concerned you still need me. My name makes the whole thing OK. Without me, it won’t be any different from New Year. Without me, everyone will see it as just one big rip-off. So I say the strike should go on, and I’ll join it. And I’ll tell all my churches that Christmas is nothing to do with me….
Mammon: You wouldn’t dare! How would they survive without Christmas? Even as it is they’re going down the tubes, do you think they’ll throw away their best brand?
Jesus: We’re going to find out Mister! From today, I’m asking my churches to announce that I’m on strike with my friends here and that none of us will ever work for Christmas again. And for those who want to celebrate my real birthday, I might tell them the real date, one of these days…..