TALK SHOW PRESENTER: Well I’ve introduced some big names on this show, from Tom Cruise to Donald Trump, as y’all know, but none bigger than this: Jesus Christ! No, I’m not blaspheming, I’m announcing the biggest scoop of any talk show, it’s a world first, it is my privilege to present to you, The Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God! (Jesus is shown to a seat at a table.)
JESUS: it’s not really a first you know, some Jews and Palestinians, not to mention the odd Roman were ahead of you by some 2000 years….
PRESENTER: Yeah, sure, nice one Jesus – you don’t mind me calling you Jesus, heh?
JESUS: of course not, it’s my name, well near enough my name if you don’t speak my language..
P: Yeah, right, but we don’t see much of you in these parts, far as I know…
J: No, I’m here all the time, but not so visibly. I’m with every single person who genuinely wants me. In fact I’ve just been with a black family down South…
P: We try not to get political on this show, Jesus…
J: ……a black family whose teenage son got shot in the head by a policeman…
P: This is an issue that’s likely to cause a lot of offence and I can tell you Jesus, we don’t make money by offending the good folks….
J: …maybe the good folks need to wake up and smell the coffee….
P: you just said smell the coffee, Jesus, where did you learn to speak like that?
J: You think I haven’t learned anything in 2000 years? Anyway, yes, people have to wake up and realise that their police forces are out of control…
P: Listen, Jesus, the producer is screaming at me down the cans, to shut you up before we lose our sponsors….
J: But I’m giving you a scoop by presenting myself in this form, shoes pants and jacket, and I’m only doing so because I decided to warn you in person…
P: ….but exactly who are you warning, like be specific, Jesus…..
J: I am warning the people of the United States, to lay aside hysterical hatreds and learn to live together in peace…..
P: So now you’ve done it. you’ve done what you wanted to do. But if you say any more on that topic we’ll turn off the mics and cameras….
J: Well now Mr Presenter, you might turn them off but are you sure they’d go off?
P: What d’ya mean, Jesus, why would they not go off?
J: ( smiles)
P: Uh sure …Uh maybe…
J: But I don’t want to cause trouble for you. Why don’t you ask me one of the questions you have prepared?
P: Yeah, that’s very kindly of you…
J:,I am a kindly man usually…..
P: Now there’s been a lot of speculation this week because our scientists found a planet outside our solar system, which is very like earth ; it’s solid, near but not too near its star, and it might have water…
J: You mean Kepler 186 F …?
P: Duh, heh, I think, sure Kepler 186F it is! But how did you know that, Jesus?
J: I saw the report on my tablet…
P: Wow, you use a tablet!
J: You may remember my father invented tablets, back in Moses time…. But you wanted to ask me something?
P: Well, the issue people are talking about is intelligent life. Is there intelligent life outside of this earth?
J: You think there’s intelligent life on this earth?
P: Now, really…
J: Sorry, that was a joke. I’m sorry, I can’t tell you anything about intelligent life in the universe.
P: You tellin’ me you don’t know. You must know if you’re the son of God!
J: I didn’t say I didn’t know. I said I can’t tell you anything.
P: But why not?
J: When your ancestors discovered the native Americans what did they do?
P: You sayin’ you don’t trust us with this information?
J: Not yet. You know if I announced the existence of intelligent beings nearby, the chiefs of staff of the armed forces would be in the Oval Office before you could say Donald Trump….
P: But if they did exist, you’d have been there, wouldn’t you. Like if you’re a universal saviour, you’d have to go there as well!
J: But just think, if the intelligent life is in the form of twenty foot tall spiders, then their son of God would have to be a twenty foot spider also…
P: Well, Mr. Jesus, that brings us to the end of this interview because the evangelical churches of the USA have denounced you as an impostor, and armed police have arrived to arrest you……yeah here he is boys, he never fooled me for a minute, yeah over here….. Duh, where is he? he was here this second and now he’s simply, he’s simply vanished………..
Oh my, not only are you a superb exegete of scriptures you’re also a comedy writer! This is great, especially the question about intelligent life on earth!! And if Jesus did indeed appear for an interview, this is definitely how it would go. Hey, Mike, Jon Stewart is wrapping up this week. Why don’t you apply to take his job? The Extreme Daily Show, with Mike Mair!